HISTORICAL FICTION
GATHERING FOOD
DREAM
Harvest at Dawn by Leslie B. Patient
“Lucius! Wait!” Aeila walked among rows of ripe carciofo, her bare feet warm on the terracotta pavers despite the chill in the air. “These are ready! Look at the leaves!” She touched the leathery squeak of the green vegetable. Their mother would cook them in olive oil and lemon later tonight for Madame Portia.
Her brother, uninterested in cutting the spiky vegetables, thought only of the general’s return. Scrambling to stand on the stone wall, Lucius looked into the city, tracing Via Florida with his eyes and straining to see the crowd forming at Curia di Pompeo. Why had Marcus Brutus left before dawn?
“Help me with the stalks, Lucius, they’re too thick for this bodkin.” She poked her little dagger at the plant while her brother dragged the General’s old Gladius behind him.
“Come on, use that old sword, it will cut right through.”
“No. He will come back for it.” Lucius stood on his toes teetering along the wall. He could see the white robes of the Senators but no one’s face seemed clear. He tried to push aside the dream that startled him awake only a few hours ago: a raging black lion clawing at Marcus Brutus’ neck.
“Here I’ll hold the stem, Lucius. Mama said we had to bring at least five blossoms.”
Lucius turned abruptly and swung the hilt over his head, slicing through the base of the artichoke and his sister’s tiny thumb.
Aeila’s scream mingled with the distant roar of an angry mob.
THE JUDGE'S FEEDBACK:
''Harvest At Dawn'' by Leslie Patient - WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {2306} You do a good job establishing your place and time through interesting historical and cultural details. I like the moment at the end where you twin the slicing of the artichoke/thumb with Brutus's own infamous slice. {2203} The reader is able to grasp the location and the era in which the piece is set. The author has slipped in references that give big hints about the setting and the time, allowing the reader to picture the scenes based on their prior knowledge of Rome's history. In doing this, the author has added context that helps the piece be visualised by readers. The story is original and has a progression of events that keep it moving forward. By including enough moments to give the piece direction but not so many that the piece feels rushed, the author has given it a plotline and prevents it from sitting in just one place. {2258} I thought the author carries the action through this story very well. The sense of urgency is evoked as the mob approaches. I really enjoyed this line and what it did, for the story and my imagination - "He tried to push aside the dream that startled him awake only a few hours ago: a raging black lion clawing at Marcus Brutus’ neck." WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {2306} I want to know who, specifically, Marcus Brutus is to Lucius that Lucius is having these vivid dreams and obsessive premonitions about him. A bit more connective tissue between the sibling scene and the action with the senators would help. I'd also like a clearer idea of exactly how close, physically, the siblings are to the action happening with the senators. {2203} The relevance of Lucius' dream is a little lost, making it feel a little shoe-horned in. This may leave the reader questioning the meaning of the dream rather than focusing the the events surrounding it. The references in the piece are good and allow the reader to get an understanding of the time and location in which the piece is set, however, for readers with no prior knowledge of Brutus' part in history, the reference may be lost. To ensure that readers all understand his importance in the piece and the cries of the angry mob at the end, some clarity about his story would be useful. Even a brief mention of Caesar would help readers understand the events since he is a more well-known part of the events that took place. {2258} It's clear that Lucius is distracted, but this doesn't seem to register with Aeila. In reading, it felt off that she wouldn't ask Lucius what it was that he was thinking about. I think it would engage the reading more if we see the characters address the greater situation with each other.
